Updates from March, 2012 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Bag of Jerky 11:54 am on March 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: mega millions, scrooge mcduck vault   

    Like the rest of the country, my thoughts have been consumed by the possibility of winning the Mega Millions Lottery, which is likely to top $600 million tonight.  Because my attempt at winning the 2012 HGTV Dream House (damn you Vicki!) didn’t pan out, I’ve decided to set my sights higher and invest $1 in my chance at an ungodly amount of millions.  I’ve laid out my plan for when I become the sole winning ticket holder.  The plan goes as follows:

    1.  Take the lump sum, which should be around $400 million before taxes.  Not exactly chump change.  Even I’M not stupid enough to blow through that before I die, so the roughly $20 million a year for $26 years option seems like it’s not worth the required patience.  Besides, I want to make more millions with my millions and that will happen more quickly with the lump sum option.  I can only invest a portion of my winnings though (see step #2 below).

    2.  Build a Scrooge McDuck vault.  Once said vault is constructed, I’ll have a large portion of my remaining winnings converted to coins so that I may swim in my riches.  I my opinion, no one is better at being rich than Scrooge McDuck.

    That’s it.  Those are my plans. ~AKH

    • Anonymous 6:56 pm on March 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Totally my first thought too!

  • Bag of Jerky 12:57 pm on March 23, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: neil diamond,   

    With the recent warm weather, people are finding excuses to protest in our fair capital city.  The group I can hear outside of the State House today has hired the female version of Neil Diamond to sing “God Bless the U.S.A.” ~AKH


  • Bag of Jerky 12:03 pm on March 23, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , Nissan 300zx   

    I have the windows of my office open on this gorgeous day.  I just heard a car alarm sound, but as I listened, the sound became more distant.  It is likely someone just stole a vehicle and brazenly drove down West State Street, alarm sounding like it ain’t no thang.

    This occurrence reminds me of my eldest brother’s many car woes.  In 1996, I was in 6th grade, my Co-Bag of Jerk sister was in 4th.  Our brother, with his newly granted driving privileges, had recently purchased a Nissan 300ZX.  It was white and had a T-top.  The only problem was the car’s alarm system.  On more than one occasion, the car’s alarm would sound without any provocation.  One spring day in 1996, my Co-Bag of Jerk and I were walking the several blocks home from the bus stop when we heard it:  the undeniable sound of the Nissan 300ZX coming down the street, horn blaring at regular intervals.  We kept our heads down and kept walking.  The Nissan slowed to a roll beside us as our brother yelled out the window over the sound of the horn “You guys want a ride home?”  “No, thanks,” was our reply.  Even at the ages of 11 and 9, we’d rather take the shoe leather express than let the neighbors see us get into that embarrassment.

    One fateful night, not long after that event, the alarm system met its demise as our brother, fed up, yanked the alarm system wiring out of the vehicle.  ~AKH

  • Bag of Jerky 4:55 pm on March 22, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: angry, disappointments, ,   

    The fans are angry. The following is an email from our mother:

    Hello Co-Bags of Jerk,

    I’d like to know why there haven’t been more posts. I was just
    reading through the old ones and most of them are hilarious. Get to
    work on some new ones!

    Mom of Co-Bags


    • Anonymous 5:36 pm on April 3, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      I love how Mom of Co-Bags pointed out that only some of them are hilarious. Looks like there is room for improvement Co-Bags

  • Bag of Jerky 11:42 am on March 9, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    I stayed at the bf’s last night, and I brought a shirt that needs to be worn with a shirt underneath it lest it be entirely too low-cut for work. I forgot the shirt that goes underneath it.  I spent the first 2 hours of my morning with a binder clip on my neckline. ~CQH

  • Bag of Jerky 5:35 pm on March 2, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: cheesecake, delivery, porch   

    You know it’s a good day when you come home to a cheesecake on the front stoop! ~AKH


    • Anonymous 8:23 pm on March 2, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Really looking forward to eating that bad boy tomorrow!

  • Bag of Jerky 4:33 pm on March 1, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bear, , honey, trickery   

    Note to self:  In the future, do not be deceived by the adorable bear-shaped honey bottle.  Though it may be clever marketing, the product within is inferior to the snoozeville bottle. ~AKH

    Look at him, peaking 'round my mug with those beady eyes. Such trickery!

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