Rate this:

Shouldn’t the nurse be pushing the wheelchair? Why is she in it? ~AKH

Rate this:

Natalie Wood didn’t drown.  I surmise she was mauled by a werewolf.

Werewolf (source: http://today.msnbc.msn.com)

This man, the Captain of the boat from which Natalie Wood supposedly drowned, has come forward to shed new light on Natalie Wood’s death in 1981.  He claims Robert Wagner, Wood’s husband, was responsible for her death, but he also admits to “making mistakes” that evening.  Clearly the man is a werewolf. He has hair on his upper cheeks.  The mistake to which he refers must have been going out during a full moon.  ~AKH

Rate this:

I have to believe that, in hell, every morning you wake up, look at the clock and it’s 7 minutes before your alarm is supposed to go off.  ~CQH

Rate this:

Does anyone actually enjoy listening to elevator music?  Personally, I’d rather stand in awkward silence for the duration of the ride, wishing my fellow passenger hadn’t made it in just as the doors were closing so that I could pick that wedgie that has been bothering me since I opted to wear tights this morning. ~AKH

Rate this:

If you type “~@~” into a chat window in gchat, an icon depicting a pile of excrement from an unknown species shows up, complete with flies. What in the hell is the world coming to? WHY did Google think it was necessary for someone to be able to shortcut to that?? ~CQH

Rate this:

I wonder if these bad boys are flying off the shelves this week:

Not Penn State (source: UTB/PennBookstore)

If you’re looking for clarification, this shirt has been in existence for a long time.  It’s made by one of my alma maters, The University of Pennsylvania. UPenn and Penn State have been in a constant feud, with neither school enjoying being mistaken for the other.  Penn likes being seen as a smarty pants ivy league school full of prestige and Penn State would be embarrassed to have the football program that the Quakers field.  Hence the shirt for clarification.  It’s so that UPenn students don’t have to endure the following conversation (as did I):

Stranger: Where do you go to school?

Me:  Penn

Stranger:  Oh, great football team.

Me:  Nope.

~AKH

Rate this:

What do you do with a dead chemist?

BARIUM.

~CQH

Rate this:

I just received the following text message from a family member who shall remain unnamed.  I will, however, disclose that his location is a public venue:  “And I just spilled my coke directly on my crotch.  Now I have to sit here for an hour til it dries up!” ~AKH

Rate this:

Someone has been feeding (and crudely housing) multiple cats across the street from my office.  Today I walked by and found strong evidence that the cats are watching their figures.  If you look closely at this photograph, you can see multiple emptied lean cuisine trays.  It appears as though our feline friends are conscientious eaters. ~AKH

 

There....amongst the shadows...lean cuisine carcasses.

Rate this:

I’ve been told I’m the last person left on this side of the office building, so if someone buzzes the door, I’ll have to go downstairs to let them in.  I wonder if it would be inappropriate to open the door in my Snuggie. ~AKH